So This is it…

I’ve never been the nicest person.  I’ve yelled, and snapped, and hit things, and broke down.  I’ve pushed away people who wanted to help me because I was always so independent, and I’ve watched family members come and go as I spent my life on the computer.  It was the only thing that kept me sane.  But because of this, I met new friends and started overcoming anxiety, social awkwardness, and even loneliness.

One thing I owe to the internet is meeting my love.  He started out as nothing more than an acquaintance (as they always do), and then a friend.  As the days went on and I foolishly went back to my ex, I started treating this new friend horribly.  It was as if I was always angry at him when my life was going bad; I dunno what it was in my mind that snapped but for some reason it seemed to think attacking this poor guy was right, even when he was just trying to help.  And he did, he shrugged off every verbal assault like it was nothing, still laughed and smiled, and always told me the same thing.

“You’re not mad at me, you’re mad at yourself.”

That pissed me off worse.  Not because it was a quip at me, but becausehe was right.

Eventually, my ex left me for somebody better and my depression, already bad, only grew more so.  I was admitted to the hospital after severe chest pains, which my doctor told me later was what they called ‘broke-heart syndrome’.  I laughed because I loved my ex still, but knowing he only showed how much he cared when I was dying and then going back to his girlfriend after I told him what I had, I knew it would never be.

The first person to call me to see if I was alright was the friend I had attacked.  He would always text back immediately and I’d have to work my weary fingers twice as hard to answer.  Eventually, I was released from the hospital and after a few days’ rest, I was back online.

The second I signed on Skype, he called me.  Made sure I was ok.  I looked awful; I had lost so much weight, my hair was falling out, dark shadows rimmed my eyes…but I was alive.  The next day, he called again, and we talked.  The next day, he called.  It was a daily ritual.  One day, I signed on and he wasn’t there and I remember breaking down so completely.  As I stopped the crying a little while later I realized the truth: I loved him.

I had left my ex alone because every attempt to talk to him led him to bring up his new lover.  Whenever we talked, our relationship was brought up and he explained how I was overbearing and overly jealous.  I replied, “Well yeah, I’m not the prettiest or the smartest, and you cheated on me several times.  I didn’t mean to be overly jealous or whatever, I just panicked because I knew I was never good enough for you.  I loved you, I still do.  I’m sorry..”  (Actual quote taken from Skype).  His reply?  “Ok.”

Heart-broken, I started going back to the dark place I had been in during high school.  The days where I cut my wrists and swallow poisonous household products to end it all.  I started thinking about it. My family treated me like crap, the only friends I knew were behind a 22 inch screen, and the only person who cared…

Was my friend.

“Can I tell you something but promise you won’t get mad?” he asked.

“I promise lol.” I answered, tipping my head at the screen curiously.  I thought, ‘oh no, he’s back with his ex,’ or ‘what if he’s moving away super far and I can’t talk to him?’

“I really like you and have for a while now.”

I stopped and leaned back against my chair.  In my mind, a million things began to suddenly bounce around.  The pain I had in my chest daily was still there but for whatever reason, it hurt less.  I read the words over and over, wondering if they were honestly to me.

I bit my lip and began to type back my confession to him too.

As the weeks dragged on, we talked more and more.  There wasn’t a night we didn’t webcam and be complete idiots, smiling and joking around, playfully teasing and insulting each other.  Every day he wasn’t on, the chest pains came back.  And every day he wasn’t on, I saw my ex’s name online, no messages being sent to me.

Eventually, I was asked the question I already had the answer for and we began dating.  The moment I had posted my new relationship status, my ex suddenly sprang alive, sending me messages and asking who the ‘new guy’ was, declaring his undying love for me, and all that jazz.  Two days later, he was back with the same bitchy woman he had cheated on me with, though they didn’t last long at all.  Meanwhile, my new lover and I were planning a visit.  I was invited to stay at his house for a month before he left for work, as he’s serving in the military.

After seeing him for the first time, the second he stepped out of the car at the airport to pick me up, my heart began to leap for joy.  I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see straight, my knees felt weak and my stomach began to ache.  I felt slightly faint.  Would I have to go back to the hospital again?  Was my heart acting up again?  Yes and no.

I knew this feeling without needing to know what it was.

I was in love.

And it was beautiful.  Every time we spoke, it was as if we had been friends for years.  Every kiss, every hug, every caress and cuddle, it was as if each one was the first.  Everything felt so perfect. Hewas so perfect.  We were two halves of a whole, dorky beyond words, the same stupid sense of humor, addicted to gaming and an appreciation for animals.  I could feel the trust between us tightening with each breath we took falling asleep at night.  I could feel the loyalty from him with every word, every protective hug from behind.

I didn’t want to hurt him so I came clean with my past, with my ex, and with my mistakes I had made.  All he did was pull me close and open up to me as well, explaining his own stories while we just reveled in the comfort of each other.  A month was too short a time to be with him.  We drove in near silence to the airport, holding hands all the way as we always did when he drove us anywhere.  His thumb was more active running along my hand than it was during any other ride before.  I tried to remain calm but I could feel the tears welling up again.  They wouldn’t stay down for long. 

Once there, we had stopped, neither one of us wanting to leave the car but we had to.  He got out and grabbed my bag while I slowly walked to the trunk, looking at him for a mere second before dropping my head.  I couldn’t look at him as much as I wanted to.  It hurt too much knowing where I was going to be in 5 short hours.  The moment we kissed and broke from a hug, I broke down.  I couldn’t hide it even if I wanted to.  A quick glance at him and I could see he was crying too.  In an instant, the chest pains were back as I turned from him and walked through the airport doors.  I never heard the car start.

Once I got home, he was online, waiting for me.  He had to head to another city for a while for final training.  The typing that had cheered me up seeing his name was slow, the stinging of tears was instantly back.  Nothing felt right anymore.  This wasn’t his state, this room didn’t smell like him, there was no happiness here.  Underlying all of that, I knew what I was feeling.

True love.

Love I had never felt before.

I looked at the picture of him on the screen of my phone and smiled, wiping away tears enough so I could see the keyboard: “I love you so much baby, you make me so happy.”

There was a delay no longer than three seconds.

“I love you too baby, forever and ever.”

In the back of my head, I knew he really loved me.  I could feel it in my heart; I never felt this with my ex.  Immediately, we began planning our next trip, excited for the moment when we could see each other again.

I was more than ready.

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